My answer to the question, “Are you Mormon?” would really depend on the situation. There is little to no reason why someone would randomly ask me if I was Mormon, since I no longer wear garments, I don’t keep the WoW, and live on the East where Mormons are not a household name. More often, the question is “What religion are you?” in which case, I would say “I was raised Catholic, but I am not currently interested in organized religion.”

If it were the explicit, “Are you Mormon?” from a non-family Mormon, I would probably say, “Yes, but a highly unorthodox and non-practicing one.” That is the answer I have given to my bishop and other Church representatives who have asked where I am at spiritually. That answer usually gets them off my back. The same question from a non-Mormon would probably elicit a “No,” unless there is a specific reason that they would be surprised by that response (for example, if they found out of I was married in the temple. In that case, I would probably say, “I used to be.”)

Sometimes (especially from former classmates), I am asked if I am still Catholic. I usually respond by saying I’m non-practicing. You can’t get the Catholic out of someone who was raised Catholic and went through 12 years of Catholic school. Its just not possible. No matter what I do or where I go, if someone were to ask that question of me, I would never be able to give a firm, “No.”

I suspect that is the reason that most ex-Mormons have a similarly hard time just saying “No” to “Are you Mormon?”

And sometimes someone will say something like, “Oh, I thought Mormons didn’t drink coffee…” I just reply, “I never said I was a particularly ‘good’ Mormon.” By that point they laugh and they know where I stand.

I’m Mormon the way someone who saw combat is a veteran. I don’t see any point in pretending that some of the ugliness didn’t happen, and I don’t see the point in pretending that the experience of struggling (and failing) to find my place in this vast hierarchy, didn’t change me on some fundamental level. And I don’t see the point in pretending that I don’t have a very intense bond with people who went through the same thing.

Well stated, as always.

is there any other church that keeps track of its members as assiduously as COJCOLDS? Is there, for instance, some centralized bureaucracy within, say, the baptist church or the lutheran church, where births, baptisms, missions, marriages, callings, church attendance are recorded?

Do other centralized church corporations keep track of and forward their members addresses to local church authorities, so that the people with whom a member who attend church if they were active, could send birthday cards or leave cookies or whatever?

I honestly don’t know if there is or isn’t any other church that tracks its members like the Utah Mormon church does, but I confess I would be surprised to learn that there is.

For people who want to escape all that, the level of intrusion the Mormon church is willing to make into its inactive members’ lives, can feel a hell of a lot like harassment.

so it can be pretty damn important to say, “You can’t claim me as a member any more, so quit calling me on my birthday, as if you were my friends and really gave a shit about me.”

I admit I have worked hard to frustrate the record keepers, so that they can’t still send home teachers and so forth, because I have various reasons for not removing my name from the records of the church.

But for all that, and for all the considerable trauma I’ve experienced through being Mormon, I’m definitely Mormon.

I’m Mormon the way someone who saw combat is a veteran. I don’t see any point in pretending that some of the ugliness didn’t happen, and I don’t see the point in pretending that the experience of struggling (and failing) to find my place in this vast hierarchy, didn’t change me on some fundamental level. And I don’t see the point in pretending that I don’t have a very intense bond with people who went through the same thing.

@Saganist: Thanks for tolerating my questions. Clarity isn’t easy to come by. Good luck in your search for it.

On the other hand, it certainly is a factor. One reason I can confidently say “yes, I’m a Mormon” (truthfully, even if it’s not the whole truth) is because I am currently a member of the LDS church. But it’s also partly because I have the experience of being a Mormon, and I don’t know whether that can be so easily excised.

John, you ask a very good question. Is it possible to truly move on? And if someone wants to move on, what’s stopping them? I do think it is possible to make a clean exit from Mormonism, unlike making oneself un-Japanese. I haven’t done it, though. I’m not sure if I ever will, and maybe that’s okay.

When I make the claim of having “moved on”, I’m referring only to my religious beliefs, though I have to interact personally with Mormonism on a daily basis. With my family situation, I expect to have to deal with it for the forseeable future. Sometimes I think resigning LDS membership would be a useful step in moving on, but in reality I don’t think it would make much difference because church membership is not what makes me a Mormon.

If I sound a little confused, it’s probably because I am. I appreciate everyone’s perspective on this, as it helps me think more clearly.

OTOH, I’ve met plenty of people who have resigned from the CoJCoL-dS who, nonetheless, retain a Mormon identity. A classic example would be my brother (John Hamer) who has cut ties with that one particular organization but has strongly embraced the greater Mormon community. Many people who embrace their Mormon identity don’t want it to be tied to that corporation.

I should mention that for these same people, membership was a very negative experience, and the benefits were far outweighed by the drawbacks. Being removed from the rolls was seen as a major step for them. From my viewpoint, giving the same organization that gave you so much grief the control over your identity seems counterproductive.

It now sounds like I’ve answered my own question, though, and I’m conflating two different groups of people (people traumatized and people reflective).

@Andrew S: yes, thanks, that does make sense.